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Wednesday, April 16th, 2008
6:22 pm - thesis
it's like dead hair now, time to move on.

current mood: creative

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Friday, February 8th, 2008
12:24 am - it may've taken eight years to say this, but
whoa. . . look at the democrats go! let 'em duke it out, so long as one of them gets to be president. i feel barack, personally, but hillary's got punch as well.

admittedly, i didn't vote. (yeah, i said it.) economic theory claims it's irrational, but that's not why. i'm an asshole and didn't get my absentee ballot in time. it's fine. i'll be there pulling the lever and feeling good about myself for the general election, and maybe i'll move to mississippi, rationality be damned.

i feel like i ought to be immediately on board with the woman thing (root for 'my team' and whatnot) but i'm finding that i'm not. hillary's fierce, and maybe that's couching her feminine side or maybe that IS her feminine side. it's likely i don't put much stock in her anatomical difference from every past frontrunner because women like her paved the way for me to be able to do so. do i owe her my vote though? i don't know.

and yet, barack is so green. day one in office is bound to taper his idealism.

oy, ve shall haff to see.

vote wisely and often!

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Saturday, January 12th, 2008
3:01 pm - nothing to do no way to go home
i wanna be elated.

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Sunday, March 18th, 2007
1:11 am - blah blah wha?
Home aches my bones, like constant humidity to a faulty joint
It drains me then builds me up again with new, familiar fluids

It's a thread of a frayed rope
It encourages me to individuate

It makes me feverish

I smoke less but I crave more
I soak my dagger hipbones and lilypad breasts in vetyver tubs

I slow
down
I write in my livejournal
snap my gum
bite my lip
annoy myself
and go on strolls

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Sunday, February 11th, 2007
10:30 pm - let me learn
Beyond that road lies a shining world.
Beyond that road lies despair.
Beyond that road lies a world that's gleaming.
People who are scheming.
Beauty!
Hunger!
Glory!
Sorrow!
Never a pain or care.
He's liable to find a couple of surprises there.

There's a song he must sing;
It's a well-known song.
But the tune is bitter
And it doesn't take long to learn!

I can learn!
That pretty little world that beams so bright.
That pretty little world that seems delightful
Can burn! Burn! Burn!
Let me learn! Let me learn!

For, I can see it!
Shining somewhere!
Bright lights somewhere invite me to come there
And learn!
And I'm ready!

I can hear it!
Sirens singing!
Inside my ear I hear them all singing
Come learn!

Who knows, maybe
All the visions I can see
May be waiting just for me
To say take me there, and

Make me see it!
Make me feel it!
I know it's so
I know that it really
May be!
Let me learn!

I can see it!
(He can see it!)
Shining somewhere!
(Shining somewhere!)

Those lights not only glitter
But once there they burn!

I can hear it!
(He can hear it!)
Sirens singing!
(Sirens singings!)

Don't listen close
Or maybe you'll never
Return!

Who know, maybe
All the visions that I (he) sees
May be waiting just for me (him) to
Say

I can see it!
Say
Shining somewhere!
Say
Let me see it!
Say
Take me there
And make me a part of it!

Make me see
Those shining sights inside of me!
(Make him see it!)

Make me feel
Those lights inside
Don't lie to me!
(Make him feel it!)

I (he) know(s) it's so --
I (he) know(s) that it really may be!

Just what I always waited for!
This is what my life's created for!

Let me (him) learn!

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10:11 pm - old illusions die hard
Whats up with my heart when it skips a beat? (skips a beat)
Can't feel no pavement right under my feet (under my feet)

Up in my lonely room (my room)
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh what can I do
I still need you, but
I don't want you now


When I'm down and my hands are tied (hands are tied)
I cannot reach a pen for me to draw the line (draw the line)
From this pain I just can't disguise (can't disguise)
Its gonna hurt but I'll have to say goodbye (say goodbye)

Up in my lonely room (my room)
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh what can I do
I still need you, but
I dont want you now

Oh yeah

Ohhhhhhhh Oh-Ohhhhh Oh-Ohhhhhh Oh-Oh Oh-OOhhhh

Up in my lonely room (my room)
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh what can I do
I still need you, but
I dont want you now

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Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007
4:31 am - My Top Ten Moments of 2006
(coming soon)

I'm still not quite come down from the new year's festivities: one frenchie house party with cheesecake and champagne; one American Watercolor Movement show at the 58 gallery with host Tony in full powder blue tux and dj lex cueing the beach boys at just the right time; one mindfuck house party on the upper west side in the apartment Batman keeps and sometimes loans out to our friend John (egyptian statues keep guard over the hottub). Tomorrow, the ass-busting begins again, when life and uchicago become one and the same. I'm on a plane in less than four hours. Oh dear, oh dear. One white leather left glove still missing. Cell phone charged. Schedule memorized. Acheing for a good, hearty stack of french toast at Valois' on 53rd. I have class today!!

Me.

Bed.

Tonight.

Heaven.

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Friday, December 15th, 2006
1:56 am - wishlist: T-10 days. . .
This year, many come in pairs, and it's all about eye candy. From 14th St. to Canal, my capitalist whims never shined so bright:

one pair red leather biker gloves. (check.)

one pair purple snakeskin peep-toe pumps. (i'm talking Prince-purple, not Easter-purple, and i won't be talked down from my ledge)

one grey denim mini-skirt with black leather waistband detail. (animal skin trend?)

all the rainbow-colored-packaging pan-asian candy you can shake a menorah at.

one palm-sized silver disco ball. (to hang in my window, if not on my tree)

one pair pink ballet slippers ("made of soft, supple, and durable leather", wouldntchyaknow)

one copy of Lisa Randall's Warped Passages, because the more extra physical dimensions to our universe the merrier, and because she's the first tenured woman theoretical physicist at Princeton, MIT, AND Harvard

one bass guitar, with amp, and earplugs for the roommates. (sorry boys and girls.) coming soon.

one last chance to make good with my landlord. check. (in the mail.)

all holiday shopping completed on-time and under-budget. (to be continued.)

Check, please.

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Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
9:29 pm - black math
FINALS!!!!!!! Yes, kiddies, it's that time again.

The facebook has (of course) made of this traditional academic trial the depressing acronym Fuck I Never Actually Learned Shit, and I think this more than adequately sums up my sentiments on the subject on this quiet Sunday evening. Every quarter I think maybe it's going to go down differently, but seldom is that the case. Did I mention it's that kind of in-your-ears, between-your-toes FREEZING outside that makes one feel brave to have to made it to deli and back?

But by tomorrow, without fail, I will have a fully fleshed-out final english paper, all of my theatre work done, and. . . my wits about me?

Let's hope the gods are on my side tonight. Houston, we are moving onwards and upwards and right down to business.

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Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
10:42 am - some people
- friends in bologna, santiago, baltimore, santa fe, boston, montréal
- boyfriend at work
- 2/3 roommates sleeping
- roommate LT got into Duke Law, but he won't know it 'til he opens his fridge and sees the enveloppe
- drama prof nowhere to be contacted in the hours before my final
- house cat also curiously MIA

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Monday, November 27th, 2006
8:53 pm - giving thanks
I hopped the early flight to chi-town this morning having sucked up every last bit of New York I could before the night was up. At LGA, my gate was teeming with the same crowd of UofCers I've shared ailes with for three years running come holiday time, and this time I actually put a couple names to faces, which was a welcome experience at such an ungodly hour of the morning. Waking up in one city and going to sleep in another is such a little headtrip, though, even when you consider that the home-to-school commute is hardly exotic anymore.

I had breakfast with my mom, by lunchtime I was arguing with Prof. Veeder, and tonight I'll be northsiding it to celebrate Daniel's 19th (I mean, 21st) birthday. I'm rediscovering the Bee Gees (?!?!) because the Brothers Gibbs seem like the only proper complement to the occasion.

Going home was good for the first time in a long while. I enjoyed Thursday's festivities in the company of my hard-ass and dark-humored mother and a few close family friends. By early evening I was stuffed to the gills on chestnut paste and butternut squash, feeling like one of those gourmet piglets nurtured for slaughter on the finest of provisions. It's all for the better seeing as, apparently, my 94 year old grandfather, on seeing a recent picture of yours truly, exclaimed, "She's so skinny!". When your own grandfather calls you out, it's time to pull out all the stops. I'm positive if you pricked me right now I'd bleed cranberry sauce.

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Saturday, November 25th, 2006
5:05 am - the story so far. . .
whoa 5am. ate half of pot brownie to get high. ate other half because i was hungry. steph is a better dancer than i remembered. the dj played every guilty pleasure i could've asked for. there was actual TURKEY at this thanksgiving party. apparently, people pass out promotional mini bottles of liquor. i have only eyes, lips, and hips for my favorite boy. the cross between joseph cornell diaramas and dia de los muertos iconography is AWESOME.

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Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
12:54 am
livejournal post number umpteen in honor of fuck all and being a crying mess. . .

Is it for all time or simply a lark?
Is it Granada I see or only Asbury Park?
Is it a fancy not worth thinking of?
Or is it at long last love?

why do i think i'm gonna be the girl who's gonna get to keep her first real love? why do i think i'm gonna be the exception to the rule? why will i defend it to depths of my twisted soul? why can't i just come to terms with what i am?

what am i?

some kind of fool with fairy tale dreams and genius aspirations. some budding little thing that's not yet a person? i always felt so deeply that i knew who i was and, truth be told, i still do in some kernel of my being. i just haven't the faintest goddamn idea how to express it, save through dancing, kisses, and hot frying pans of eggs. i'm not even trying to be remotely funny or, for that matter, insipid. i don't think i've ever felt more gauche in my life. how the hell do i bring forth the beauty that's within me? how the fuck do i turn the meanness into grace under fire? or is being a bitch my new calling? bitches are phonies, though. i don't believe in phonies. i think deception is disgusting. i thought i was better than all those cunts out there. i thought i knew how to keep good friends. i thought i could be the perfect lover. i feel somehow the perfection is more accessible to me than to most, but that has to be my first mistake. that's how you get genius 1% of the time and despots the other 99.

why the hell did my father have to die just when i needed him most? just when i needed a man to look to, someone who wouldn't judge me except to protect me and who wouldn't be so competitive? why do i have all the advantages and still i'm a fuck-up at the most critical of moments? why can i see bad taste a mile away but not stop myself from being vulgar? i used to be so good at it all.

i used to be able to walk into a room and know instantly what every person in that room wanted from me and how to give it to them. i used to know how to make anyone laugh. if you follow a certain saying, then that also means i could get anyone off. i had that talent, that social finesse. where is it hiding in me now? maybe i was just prostituting myself. life, after all, is about choice. i don't want to get the whole world off. not really. if i did, no one could be truly special to me, and i already know that some people mean much more to me than others. so am i better off now than i was before?

maybe my priorities are all out of sync. to conquer a room is easy. it's almost a bore. if only i had more faith in the people around me, i could learn so much more than i'm learning. i could love and be loved so much better, if i only listened. i've spent so much of my life listening, though. maybe it's just rusty pipes, is it not? i finally open the floodgates and the water runs muddy for a little while before it can run clear. that would be hopeful, so i'm gonna stop talking, for once, at that.

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Monday, November 20th, 2006
11:14 am - crónicas de una suerte anunciada
picked up favorite boy at airport
shirked responsibilities to lay in bed with him
woke up early-ish
got bagel
had thoughts about the realities of lover-dom
strolled home
felt better about life
hoped the tide was really turning
lit celebratory cigarette
stubbed out cigarette in celebratory effort to quit
read lines
helped friend through the blows of a breakup
wrote letters
listened to the wise words of cole porter and gerri mulligan
bit my lip, shot the clock and my demons a furtive glance,
and went to class

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Saturday, November 18th, 2006
11:20 pm - ruby slippers and a drag queer
oh no we drank everything again. again again. oops. we always show our guests a good time. the neighbors next door were throwing a trance-type party. the floors vibrated with the bass and made my feet tingle. i happened to be mouthing the climax of 'angry inch' when luke walked in with amber. her dirty look made me proud of myself. fuck killjoys. i stumbled into my room finally and pressed my cheek into my sheets, happy to have a home. my red lips left an awkward smear. the pecking rooster in my alarm clock seemed to nod at me. i heard maddie do a fierce cher impression from down the hall. my spine shivered. i made my best effort not to fall asleep in my jeans, like i do, stared deeply into the bowie-with-dog poster on my door, felt like he was staring back, and passed out. i dreamt i was, among other things, going around somewhere sniffing fingernails' worth of cocaine, and am craving some analysis.

now the party's up again with the Q&A people, daniel is serving a baileys concoction involving butterscotch schnapps, which is somewhere between a gag and a giggle, as well as the usual cranberry fare. people are screaming. i'm being a hermit and taking my soup in my room and picking last night's crust out of my eyes and i feel real good.

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Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
10:59 pm - best line of the day
"When you kiss a woman's hand put some schmaltz into it!"

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2:24 pm - gentlemen, start your engines. . .
so today fight scenes and choreography with another one of the freakishly young founders of the house theater (the envy!). left-hooking hair-pulling neck-cracking fun was had by all. i think the pair of us did a damn fine job for total novices if i do say so myself. the process was such a riot, i absolutely love it.

i wish i knew what on earth david new was thinking about any of my work so far, though. getting him to laugh is key. i want an A in this class. i must must must get my ass in gear this quarter.

speaking of which, can i write two papers in twelve hours? the braincrunch required is too gruesome but i gotta make it work.

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Monday, November 13th, 2006
4:41 pm - confessions of a nocturnal cigarette fiend
i was this close to smoking TEA this morning i needed a cigarette so bad.

i looked around the room and in all my purses and such for just one little tubular stick of exhalable glee.

must detox.

in other news, my new cousin is too adorable for words. he's teeny tiny and beautiful.

i envy his virgin lungs :Q

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Sunday, November 12th, 2006
11:40 pm - la danse infernale
so lately, i'm told, by way of the drizzle of the grapevine

when i need something, i'm clinging
when i don't need something, i'm standoff-ish
when i'm nervous, i'm weak and neurotic
when i'm strongwilled, i'm crazy and brutish
when i like something, i'm borrowing tastes
when i'm questioning, i'm helpless and fumbling
when i call people on their shit, i'm insensitive
when i reveal myself, i'm vulgar and a mockery
when things are complicated with me, i'm my usual self
when things are easy with me, i'm blind

i love it when people figure shit out about me!

they forgot sometimes i eat the peanut butter right out of the jar.

let me tell you, as someone who doesn't know quite who she is, i'd really like to know more. call or fax anytime, and don't forget to write. have a nice day.

current mood: that burning, tingling feeling

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Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
2:20 am - i don't go in for the demure approach when recounting my dream sequences over dinner
expect blood, guts, and glitter in the next installment of Welcome To My Subconscious Neighborhood. Holy shit, my dreams have been weird, and getting weirder every time I go in for even a catnap. The only thing I can think to do is write it all down and use the good parts, whatever they may be. I am usually pleasantly surprised by the poetry of the dreaming psyche, at least when it comes to symbol choice. It's the first time I've ever ridden a haunted freudian carousel, anyway.

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